Excuse me, what?

The heat is nearly unbearable today, but the wind is blowing just fine, and I’ve actually got some energy flowing so… what to do, what to do?  Let’s go sailing?

Okay, I’ve pulled up anchor, hoisted up the mainsail and on we go, one breath at a time.  {Taps fingers… }, one breath at a time. . . . Alright . . . {continues tapping fingers while waiting}.    What happened to the wind?

So, this isn’t as easy as I thought it might be?? huh, what?  Aaaaah!

It is  eleven days until I fly out to Seattle to start fresh. I feel happy, and sad all at the same time. I feel  a little overwhelmed. Last week, I was ready and raring to go. I’m still excited to go, but I’m doubting the ready part.  It hit me this morning that I really am going to do this, I mean it really is real.    Really?. . .   Really!

I was going to see my sister for a bit first, but that fell through. I just couldn’t find a way justify spending the extra money. I am currently living on SSDI and the budget it is really tight. I mean like first moved out of your parent’s house working a minimum wage job got two roommates out of work tight. I only say this because, ahem, I forgot to remind myself : “I have a lavish, dependable, steady income consistent with integrity and mutual benefit.”

Even with a very generous gift from some folks I still couldn’t find a way to justify the extra trip. So, I’m setting some of that at aside and plan to go in November  for the Thanksgiving holiday. Airline tickets round trip from SEA to PHX are less expensive than a multi-city trip from the Northeast, or even one way stops in between with several different airlines.  Yes, I could take a bus or train, but a train is, even more, money blah, blah, blah. I choose to fly.

Anyway, I suppose I should start with my back story.
The question is how far back do I want to go, and how much of it should I share?

I guess 2005 is the year everything shattered.  Yes, that was a shattering year, as well as the following five years till about 2010.  Those years were so full of tragedies and triumphs that I still don’t know where to begin. My memory is so foggy. I may even have to do research to bring back some of what happened.
In quick synopsis:
My eldest graduated high school and moved out. Thanks be to God He has always been independent yet, always a love bug, I am very proud of both my children. They are strong individuals. They are my heroes. My youngest had a psychotic break with reality and as a result, there were accusations, an unprecedented trial, a year on house arrest a lot of hospital visits and I’m pretty sure we are all still in therapy. My husband of 21-years became ill with an inoperable tumor and ended up on medical leave, not long afterward I lost my marriage, went bankrupt, lost my house, my dignity, my job (got laid off – being laid off is like being punished for doing nothing wrong.), I got divorced, I left my church, and to top it off I ended up having triple bypass surgery on my x-husband’s birthday. That was all between ’05 and ’07. Today, I’m stronger than ever on the inside.

Okay, sorry folks, I just realized, I’m not ready to share all that yet. I have no idea where to begin.  In fact, I may have to do that under a pseudonym, and after I take some writing courses in the PNW.

It’s been over ten years and I’ve “recovered”,  whatever that means.  I realize that some of my greatest challenges are ahead.  That is I think I’m finally ready to move on and begin again. I’m ready for the second half. I want to make the very best of it.  What the future holds I have no clue. However, I know that through the Spirit of the living God within me, I can, and I will continue to grow and overcome! I know I need to be on my own, and that I would like to get off living solely on SSDI as it keeps me well below the poverty level.

Some glorious experiences are ahead of me, and I think that is a big enough challenge for now.I’m at a really strange place in my life, researching  religions and questioning a lot of things. I need a whole lot more than just the usual pat answers.

Here is a message from a Church for people who are not into “Church”
Click to go here: The Meeting House  or for even more info, here:   Official Youtube Channel – The Meeting House  They meet in a movie theater, and other rented spaces on Sunday and then on another day of the week  in smaller groups in their homes. I am in love with the idea and will be searching for a place like this when I get to Seattle, or perhaps I shall just being with Sun Gazing and meditation on  Holy Writ.
PEACE & GRACE to you,
BIG LOVE  ~lil gini

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring

Into every life some rain must fall – H.W.Longfellow put it this way –

The Rainy Day

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

________________________________

40 Days and 40 Nights . . .

When bad news comes to you in any form, often we let it bring us down, time just drags on and on, and we get so far down that we forget the sun really is still shining.

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Here is a great sermon (I think it’s great) from one of my favorite Theologians, author, and teacher Greg Boyd. Called Above the Clouds Feb. 2012

Don’t worry luv the sun will be back soon.
.  .  . I walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
just singin’
singin’ in the rain !

BIG LOVE  lil’ gini

† Religion is Dead † to Me

WHAT ? ? ?
. . . My God, My God why have you forsaken me? . . .

science_religion

What’s today?

I’ve been so wrapped up in learning and growing and waiting that sometimes I forget what day it is.   I believe it is a glorious thing to lose track of time.  I’m planning on doing it more and more often.   Don’t you just love to lose yourself in, well,  the beautiful thing is you get to fill in that blank for yourself, and when you do, life will be a joy, more often than it is not. A never ending exciting adventure that will continue to improve.

A  TRUE  HOLY  WOW!

What do you love to do the most ? I finally found out that I love to contemplate and share. Therefore, I’ve chosen to start this blog on purpose.

GOD IS THE AUTHOR OF LIFE –   TRUE RELIGION PRACTICES LOVE
I can’t tell you anything you don’t already know and vice verse.
Let’s agree, or agree to disagree without killing each other, shall we?  We choose what to believe and how we will live.  That being stated, if you are interested, I will share my knowledge and experience as best I can, for this is my calling. I am impelled to share.

I believe we could be living in heaven on earth and yet, instead of loving we judge and attempt to rule thereby playing God.   This is what the Bible call the fall of man.

God, we lust, fight, kill, condemn all while arguing over who is God. What a foolish waste of Time!  when all the while, not realizing we were created to create with God and to be in atonement. Ye are gods, God is within each and every one of us.  This realization is beyond beautiful, indescribable, joy unspeakable and full of GLORY !

I am doing my very best to find all my life, all my worth from CHRIST in me, the hope of glory.  Christ is the infinite creative power within.

IMAGINE & REALIZE

38e66955043361-560965f0749c2GOD IS SPIRIT – GOD IS ONE – I AM – SINGULAR –

The energy that makes up everything – the power of life and death.  The Spirit is Life, this world is a world of Death.
There is a  very personal force that lives within you.

The answer is within you, the kingdom is within, the truth is within, it’s all within- the lie, the delusion is that your salvation is somewhere out there !  Salvation is within, it’s not in a label, or magic, or money, or gold, it is in Spirit and Reality, in You, in Me, Within.  The world is passing away But whoever does the will of God lives forever.
There is only ONE cause of life.  Let God be true and every Man a LIAR  !!
So simple, and profound is this that to the majority of people can not see it. How many actually take the time to seek out, to ponder, to feed every day on the manna of the word of God ? I have no idea, but I know that the more I do this the more complete I am. I am made whole and have everything I need for life in seeking after the truth that is in me. Not in books, although books can be used to guide us so long as they point to the truth within, which, for me, is Christ in me. When I commune with Christ nothing can hurt me, no, nothing, not by any means. Christ is  The power of God and the wisdom of God
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GOD IS ONE

IMAGINE !
Jesus came to show us that we too can say:  I am in my Father and my Father is in me.
We are ONE, and just like Jesus you can die and rise again. For the Spirit of the living God has been poured out on all flesh.

IMAGINE !

You rule the world God gives you everlasting life through the SPIRIT. That is you are a KING / QUEEN of your realm – YOUR MIND and BODY are your realm of existence, your spirit is given you by your heavenly Father, your creator. No one will ever have the same experience that you do. No One, you are the only one. The ever expanding God robes himself in flesh (thereby limiting himself), humbling himself and yet with God nothing is impossible.

– BELIEVE – GOD IS ALL IN ALL – The beginning and the end, the first and the last God.
God is in the Universe, the air, the earth, the sea, all that is in them, you and me. God is in you and in me and outside of you and outside of me and yet we can not see God with our eyes, no, we see God through our eyes. There is a big difference. In the depth of our being, we are one with God for the Father is in Jesus,  Jesus is in us, and we are one with the all in all, and yet we are unique, there is no one like you, no one like me. It’s extremely simple and profound, it blows my mind – YES!!  God is Spirit, intangible and yet everything you look at is a reflection of God even our reflection. Whenever I see that new born baby, I’m looking at the face of God!  Have you found the child in you?  If you can not answer that then keep looking, never stop looking until know, and you will know beyond all doubt and no one will be able to talk you out of it, nothing shall by any means hurt you again.

We have an external witness and an internal witness, Hmmmm, two witnesses, interesting, there is something to that for sure.

Why is that so hard for us to accept? God humbled himself, came down into the world, robed in a garment. Flesh and blood is that garment (Jesus=God personified), a precious beautiful garment is your body. God, through Jesus, shows us how. When you real-ize this you will be “born again”, you will be resurrected and begin the ascension, and grow upward from the inside out, leaving behind all the base and evil things, death will never touch you again, you are ever expanding life in Christ,  Lord of Lords.    What great news!!

We get to start fresh every day and we can be true to ourselves while we are learning and moving closer to our purpose for being.

What do you love the most?
The best advice we can give each other is, do what you love. Let everything be done out of love.   You’ve heard it all your life, but, are you listening?
Do what you love and you’ll love what you do. Find your passion.

Let Your Light So Shine !

BIG LOVE lil’ gini

A choice . . .

Today’s GOG:

Once upon a time, a co-worker, his name is Wayne, accused me of being too happy.
He said to me: How do you stay so happy all the time?
and No one can be that happy.

I don’t recall what my answer was then. But today, is a new day, the present day, and my gift for today was when  I realized this:

I am happy and today add to happiness with valor in the battle to bring balance to the world I occupy.

I Am Happy.

I am happier today than I have been since I was a child. What a relief!

I am happy and truthfully, I’ve always been happy, I just had amnesia for a while, I forgot to just be who I am, and part of who I am is happy.

I think that If all we want for our children, friends, relatives, our neighbors is happy then the world would be a much better place.

Today, my answer to Wayne:
I act happy because I am happy!

BIG LOVE
lil’ gini

Just for fun, some links to definitions of happy:

ps- https://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/happy
pps – http://biblehub.com/greek/3107.htm
Just for fun 🙂

Finally Free from God

akt's space

Today is special. I’m finally free from God.
 
For a long time, I have been searching for God. He is said to be omnipresent. But I found him omniabsent everywhere I looked. Perhaps I did not look for him at the right place. Perhaps he is not an external reality, as the Catholic Church has been telling us. To them, God is objective and his works can be discovered in what has been called the natural law and in the form of this physical world. But to me, that there is a physical world does not necessarily point to the true existence of a creator. It may be wrong to imagine that the world needs a creator or has one. The world simply is. We may ask who created it. But that does not mean that it is a meaningful question simply because we assume that there is an answer to this…

View original post 466 more words

Blake and Me

I am finding that William Blake is a man after my own heart.

“Trembling I sit day and night, my friends are astonished at me,

Yet they forgive my wanderings, I rest not from my great task!
To open the Eternal Worlds, to open the immortal Eyes Of Man
Inward into the World Of Thought: into Eternity
Ever expanding in the Bosom Of God, the Human Imagination.

O’ Saviour pour upon my thy Spirit of meekness and love: Annihilate the Selfhood in me, be thou all my life!  Guide my hand which trembles exceedingly upon the rock of ages,”
Jerusalem

William Blake (28 November 1757 – 12 August 1827)


I am finding that William Blake is a man after my own heart.
_____________________________________________________
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The following is a Poison-Pen work in progress:

To the Beloved, alive in Him who was and is and is to come.

The one who alone says; I am He, And there is no god besides Me; It is I who put to death and give life. I have wounded and it is I who heal, And there is no one who can deliver from My hand.

From Imagination to reality he descends to meet me.

From reality to Imagination he meets me in our secret place.
The secret place of the Most High, that is where my heart lies
on this the most glorious of days.


Awaken now and come to me.
Come let me whisper in your ear
Let me bathe you is the warmth of my breath on your skin
And the touch of my hand.

Speak to me in  synchronic tongues
And hear my reply in soft loving whispers
Hear me softly say shalom,
Be still and know
my peace I give to you

.  .  .  .  blah drivel, drivel who can I turn to ?? ??  Irony, thy name is three-fold.

BIG LOVE lil’gini

An adorable impression . . .

(Warning:) Author is having a wonderful mad hatter day behind the looking glass
Proceed at your own risk ! 


A Change of Impression Results
in a Change of Expression

brain2
A change of impression results in a change of expression.

Made any impressions on your clay today?

I have, and He’s *insert sigh here* magnificent, just a beautiful dream. 

OH! Don’t forget to remember YOU!
You are so adorable 🙂
I’m going to require a little space and time for sorting those impressions out.

 
I would that all our impressions, even the make believe ones,  are good ones.

God is One .    .     .    

 
BIG LOVE
lil’ gini
 
.... I'm sorry, you wanted what? context. . . ?  
Psssssst!!!  it's a secret. But and if you are listening? 

PSS- It's not supposed to make any sense so, don't worry about it all y'all.

Josh D’Amore’

Stay awake because things are about to change, again.

__________________________

Today . . .

TODAY I call him Josh D’Amore’

He is my everything. In him I am complete, he takes me as I am. I need not change a single quark.   I in him and he in me, it’s a perfect kind of love.

romantic hotel room ideas for him

From the moment we met, I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t speak two intelligent words if my life depended on it. Which, by the way, it probably does. At any rate, I am bewitched, bothered, and bewildered, all the very things those old loves songs talk about, Beguiled, even. I was thrown off course while seeking my own way, trying to make things happen when he showed up. Now I am raptured, lifted to new heights in the glory that surrounds us, and it happened in the blink of an eye.

I mean, I’ve made love before but NEVER like this. His eyes say I am all encompassing pleasure, peace, and joy. In Him I know I can explore until I find the answers to my every secret desire. In him there is no condemnation, I am free, free to ask any question, and free to be anything I desire. I look him in the eye and his gaze utterly destroys me. I could not be more vulnerable and at the same time feel so safe. I trust in him. I have been brought low, low as I can bear go and now, today it seems I am on the rise.

Then, in walked doubt!!

So I ask him, am I your whore? or am I your wife?

He asks (and so do I),  Is there a difference?

Does it matter the masks that we wear? What roles we play?

Which lasts longer, a marriage by the law, or a marriage of grace and mercy?

A marriage of the spirit?

Whichever you choose, that I am and that I remain until you choose to change it.

We need not tell another soul if that is our agreed upon desired.

When they ask all we need say is love provides, keep love alive. Until the time comes when we declare our love together I will remain yours in the secret place saved for we two, alone.

My fellow mankind I beg of you: Until time ends and we are full keep feeding the better angels of our nature. Keep love in mind and raise your brother up, think better of one another.

web-page-separator

Here’s a good riddle:

Who Am I ?

How I love you!

Words fail to explain.

How I adore you!

Where actions speak.

Wear me like regal garb,

and give me a noble life.

I am the only one who is truly yours.

I belong to you, you decide who am I?

I was with you at the beginning

I am with you in the end

I  see through your eyes

I  hear your voice, you have only one voice

I gave it to you.

I will to love you in the evening

I will to love you in the morning, and I will to love you

in the night. Past, present, and future.

I am even now giving you my pledge to be faithful while remaining enraptured by the pleasure of your company.  Yes, it’s true,

For a moment I closed my eyes, for a moment I slept. Just now, just today, I awoke, and I said:  Today is the day I am with you, and for eternity we remain together. Time is no object, there is no object.

Objects:  lie or lay. I say both!

…And now abides, faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love (That’s Bible folks. ).

It is finished, Choices and opinions remain ever expanding.

May we always choose to abide in love (1 Corinthians 13).

What part of you can not be lost?

Who do you say I am?

(my personal answer is one word. If you would like to know that word, just ask. )

BIG LOVE

lil’ gini

_______________

PS –

Don’t worry my next glimpse is a little more … blue? racey? mmm, yeah, blue is good.

look for:  Your love is like __________

and other silly metaphors for love, lust, and fun.

OH and Happy Valentine’s day everyone. If you observe days like that. BIG LOVE

 

 

Josh D’Amore’

Stay awake because things are about to change, again.

__________________________

Today . . .

TODAY I call him Josh D’Amore’

He is my everything. In him I am complete, he takes me as I am. I need not change a single quark.   I in him and he in me, it’s a perfect kind of love.

romantic hotel room ideas for him

From the moment we met, I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t speak two intelligent words if my life depended on it. Which, by the way, it probably does. At any rate, I am bewitched, bothered, and bewildered, all the very things those old loves songs talk about, Beguiled, even. I was thrown off course while seeking my own way, trying to make things happen when he showed up. Now I am raptured, lifted to new heights in the glory that surrounds us, and it happened in the blink of an eye.

I mean, I’ve made love before but NEVER like this. His eyes say I am all encompassing pleasure, peace, and joy. In Him I know I can explore until I find the answers to my every secret desire. In him there is no condemnation, I am free, free to ask any question, and free to be anything I desire. I look him in the eye and his gaze utterly destroys me. I could not be more vulnerable and at the same time feel so safe. I trust in him. I have been brought low, low as I can bear go and now, today it seems I am on the rise.

Then, in walked doubt!!

So I ask him, am I your whore? or am I your wife?

He asks (and so do I),  Is there a difference?

Does it matter the masks that we wear? What roles we play?
Which lasts longer, a marriage by the law, or a marriage of grace and mercy?
A marriage of the spirit?

Whichever you choose, that I am and that I remain until you choose to change it.

We need not tell another soul if that is our agreed upon desired.
When they ask all we need say is love provides, keep love alive. Until the time comes when we declare our love together I will remain yours in the secret place saved for we two, alone.

My fellow mankind I beg of you: Until time ends and we are full keep feeding the better angels of our nature. Keep love in mind and raise your brother up, think better of one another.
web-page-separator
Here’s a good riddle:

Who Am I ?

How I love you!
Words fail to explain.
How I adore you!
Where actions speak.
Wear me like regal garb,
and give me a noble life.
I am the only one who is truly yours.
I belong to you, you decide who am I?

I was with you at the beginning
I am with you in the end
I  see through your eyes
I  hear your voice, you have only one voice
I gave it to you.
I will to love you in the evening
I will to love you in the morning, and I will to love you
in the night. Past, present, and future.
I am even now giving you my pledge to be faithful while remaining enraptured by the pleasure of your company.  Yes, it’s true,
For a moment I closed my eyes, for a moment I slept. Just now, just today, I awoke, and I said:  Today is the day I am with you, and for eternity we remain together. Time is no object, there is no object.

Objects:  lie or lay. I say both!

…And now abides, faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love (That’s Bible folks. ).

It is finished, Choices and opinions remain ever expanding.
May we always choose to abide in love (1 Corinthians 13).

What part of you can not be lost?
Who do you say I am?

(my personal answer is one word. If you would like to know that word, just ask. )

BIG LOVE
lil’ gini

_______________

PS –
Don’t worry my next glimpse is a little more … blue? racey? mmm, yeah, blue is good.
look for:  Your love is like __________
and other silly metaphors for love, lust, and fun.

OH and Happy Valentine’s day everyone. If you observe days like that. BIG LOVE

 

 

An Open Letter

Soundtrack (listening to):

Lisa Lobe – Stay
A. Morrisette – Ironic
4 non-blondes – What’s up?
Criminal
Nelly Furtado –  I’m Like a Bird

The following is an open letter and a personal letter to my loved ones, friends, both past present, and future.

There is so very much I would like to say that this could be a Tolstoy novel. You know, War and Peace?  I will try my best to condense what is currently in my heart.

Every person born into this world is filled with both good and evil, love and hate, right and wrong on the inside all who have reached the age of accountability are aware of this.

Blame never solves anything, oh, it may make us feel better for the moment but ultimately it doesn’t help anything. Forgiveness, and personal responsibility followed by choice, and action do make for change.  I know this, and I am doing my best to put it into practice.

Inside there is everything we need to be complete, yet on the outside, we can only work with what we have at hand and imagine for the better.

That being said, I am truly sorrowful today. I hate to be in and to see you in misery.  I am sorry. My heart and head hurt, because I hurt you, even if it was unintentional. I never want to hurt another. You are precious and I’d give you the world were it mine.

I would like you to understand that It is never my intention to hurt, insult, belittle or take advantage of you. I mean no harm. I do give all, I am open to you and here for you with all that is within me. What I can not do is choose for you.  Choice, even down to every thought we think is ours alone to make. My sky is torn today, my heart aches. I am truly sorry for your pain and anger. I care deeply. If I could give you only and all the goodness and graceful thoughts that exist I would certainly do so. With gladness, I would hold you in safe keeping for eternity.

How? tell me please, how do I show my appreciations for you allowing me to be a part of your life? How can I communicate to you that I love you? I care and will do anything for you, I  give to you all that I am without expecting anything in return if you would only ask (A. ask, S. seek, K. knock).  All you need to do is ask. I am grateful, though I may/can not know how to show it to you. It is up to you to show me how I can do that. All you need to do is ask.

If I complain about, take advantage of, or inconvenience you please forgive me.  I am still human and struggle with all of the same feelings and thoughts that every person alive on this earth does. I am doing the best I can given what I have at hand, whether or not anyone acknowledges it, or thinks otherwise. If it is your desire, I would go dirty, cold and hungry before I use you unjustly.  Believe that you may call on me anytime and with all I have and all I am I will comfort you, I will give all for you. I am dignified. I am humbled by you. I am all that I am and I would give all for you if you ask me to.

Need clarity of intention? Ask
Need money? Ask
Need companionship? Ask
Need wisdom? Ask
Need Truth? Need an ear, arm, shoulder?
Wake me up anytime, day or night and I will sit with you. I will not leave you alone unless; unless that is your desire.

All I have is yours if you will seek me out.  If I don’t have the thing, the wisdom or the answer you are looking for I will help in your search the best way I know how.

It is ALL up to you. Choose as you will.  Choose to be angry? you are allowed to be angry. Go for it. Choose to be disheartened, or wholehearted, choose hate, choose murder if you so desire, go ahead and cut me off, kill me. Although, I pray that you will choose life, and love, mercy and grace, peace and truth, but whatever your choice I will not condemn you and I will not abandon you, for you have had enough of that and you do enough of that for yourself.

I give myself to you. Everything I have is yours all you need to do is ask.

This ONE thing I ask of you. Please,  if you can find it in your heart forgive. Forgive me, forgive yourself, and know that I AM for you. I am not against you. If I could choose friendship, loyalty, laughter, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, understanding, riches, fame goodness, truth and every good thing for you I most certainly would, and do.
But those choices are not mine to make for you, I can not be responsible for your thoughts, feelings, or actions.Only you and I can make that choice.

Every waking moment, until the time we are taken from this earth we choose.

I am aware, I am here. You matter to me and I love you.

BIG LOVE
lil’ gini

PS- the impetus for this post was most disturbing, and painful for me personally, no buts about it, it’s all true.
PSS – I’m still searching for a good proofreader. Want to help?