Lessons from Mom

My mother was a very intelligent, hard working, fun loving and wise woman.
She was not a religious person, she didn’t have a Phd., in Philosophy, or medicine. But I can tell you of a truth she was authentic and the words of wisdom she shared keep me going on many a trying occasion.

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When I was a child, I was afraid of the darkness and to this day I prefer to remain in light.  I can say with conviction that I am no longer afraid to sit in the dark. And now I realize what mom said to me as a child was so very true.

With great conviction, and in that tone that gets your full attention, she would say,
“Virginia!, there is nothing in the darkness that is not there in the light. It is just that you can not see it (until the light shines).”

Truth is authenticity on every level, it is light. Let your light so shine before men . . .

God is One.  Live in love.

BIG LOVE
lil’ gini.

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Excuse me, what?

The heat is nearly unbearable today, but the wind is blowing just fine, and I’ve actually got some energy flowing so… what to do, what to do?  Let’s go sailing?

Okay, I’ve pulled up anchor, hoisted up the mainsail and on we go, one breath at a time.  {Taps fingers… }, one breath at a time. . . . Alright . . . {continues tapping fingers while waiting}.    What happened to the wind?

So, this isn’t as easy as I thought it might be?? huh, what?  Aaaaah!

It is  eleven days until I fly out to Seattle to start fresh. I feel happy, and sad all at the same time. I feel  a little overwhelmed. Last week, I was ready and raring to go. I’m still excited to go, but I’m doubting the ready part.  It hit me this morning that I really am going to do this, I mean it really is real.    Really?. . .   Really!

I was going to see my sister for a bit first, but that fell through. I just couldn’t find a way justify spending the extra money. I am currently living on SSDI and the budget it is really tight. I mean like first moved out of your parent’s house working a minimum wage job got two roommates out of work tight. I only say this because, ahem, I forgot to remind myself : “I have a lavish, dependable, steady income consistent with integrity and mutual benefit.”

Even with a very generous gift from some folks I still couldn’t find a way to justify the extra trip. So, I’m setting some of that at aside and plan to go in November  for the Thanksgiving holiday. Airline tickets round trip from SEA to PHX are less expensive than a multi-city trip from the Northeast, or even one way stops in between with several different airlines.  Yes, I could take a bus or train, but a train is, even more, money blah, blah, blah. I choose to fly.

Anyway, I suppose I should start with my back story.
The question is how far back do I want to go, and how much of it should I share?

I guess 2005 is the year everything shattered.  Yes, that was a shattering year, as well as the following five years till about 2010.  Those years were so full of tragedies and triumphs that I still don’t know where to begin. My memory is so foggy. I may even have to do research to bring back some of what happened.
In quick synopsis:
My eldest graduated high school and moved out. Thanks be to God He has always been independent yet, always a love bug, I am very proud of both my children. They are strong individuals. They are my heroes. My youngest had a psychotic break with reality and as a result, there were accusations, an unprecedented trial, a year on house arrest a lot of hospital visits and I’m pretty sure we are all still in therapy. My husband of 21-years became ill with an inoperable tumor and ended up on medical leave, not long afterward I lost my marriage, went bankrupt, lost my house, my dignity, my job (got laid off – being laid off is like being punished for doing nothing wrong.), I got divorced, I left my church, and to top it off I ended up having triple bypass surgery on my x-husband’s birthday. That was all between ’05 and ’07. Today, I’m stronger than ever on the inside.

Okay, sorry folks, I just realized, I’m not ready to share all that yet. I have no idea where to begin.  In fact, I may have to do that under a pseudonym, and after I take some writing courses in the PNW.

It’s been over ten years and I’ve “recovered”,  whatever that means.  I realize that some of my greatest challenges are ahead.  That is I think I’m finally ready to move on and begin again. I’m ready for the second half. I want to make the very best of it.  What the future holds I have no clue. However, I know that through the Spirit of the living God within me, I can, and I will continue to grow and overcome! I know I need to be on my own, and that I would like to get off living solely on SSDI as it keeps me well below the poverty level.

Some glorious experiences are ahead of me, and I think that is a big enough challenge for now.I’m at a really strange place in my life, researching  religions and questioning a lot of things. I need a whole lot more than just the usual pat answers.

Here is a message from a Church for people who are not into “Church”
Click to go here: The Meeting House  or for even more info, here:   Official Youtube Channel – The Meeting House  They meet in a movie theater, and other rented spaces on Sunday and then on another day of the week  in smaller groups in their homes. I am in love with the idea and will be searching for a place like this when I get to Seattle, or perhaps I shall just being with Sun Gazing and meditation on  Holy Writ.
PEACE & GRACE to you,
BIG LOVE  ~lil gini

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring

Into every life some rain must fall – H.W.Longfellow put it this way –

The Rainy Day

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

________________________________

40 Days and 40 Nights . . .

When bad news comes to you in any form, often we let it bring us down, time just drags on and on, and we get so far down that we forget the sun really is still shining.

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Here is a great sermon (I think it’s great) from one of my favorite Theologians, author, and teacher Greg Boyd. Called Above the Clouds Feb. 2012

Don’t worry luv the sun will be back soon.
.  .  . I walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
just singin’
singin’ in the rain !

BIG LOVE  lil’ gini

† Religion is Dead † to Me

WHAT ? ? ?
. . . My God, My God why have you forsaken me? . . .

science_religion

What’s today?

I’ve been so wrapped up in learning and growing and waiting that sometimes I forget what day it is.   I believe it is a glorious thing to lose track of time.  I’m planning on doing it more and more often.   Don’t you just love to lose yourself in, well,  the beautiful thing is you get to fill in that blank for yourself, and when you do, life will be a joy, more often than it is not. A never ending exciting adventure that will continue to improve.

A  TRUE  HOLY  WOW!

What do you love to do the most ? I finally found out that I love to contemplate and share. Therefore, I’ve chosen to start this blog on purpose.

GOD IS THE AUTHOR OF LIFE –   TRUE RELIGION PRACTICES LOVE
I can’t tell you anything you don’t already know and vice verse.
Let’s agree, or agree to disagree without killing each other, shall we?  We choose what to believe and how we will live.  That being stated, if you are interested, I will share my knowledge and experience as best I can, for this is my calling. I am impelled to share.

I believe we could be living in heaven on earth and yet, instead of loving we judge and attempt to rule thereby playing God.   This is what the Bible call the fall of man.

God, we lust, fight, kill, condemn all while arguing over who is God. What a foolish waste of Time!  when all the while, not realizing we were created to create with God and to be in atonement. Ye are gods, God is within each and every one of us.  This realization is beyond beautiful, indescribable, joy unspeakable and full of GLORY !

I am doing my very best to find all my life, all my worth from CHRIST in me, the hope of glory.  Christ is the infinite creative power within.

IMAGINE & REALIZE

38e66955043361-560965f0749c2GOD IS SPIRIT – GOD IS ONE – I AM – SINGULAR –

The energy that makes up everything – the power of life and death.  The Spirit is Life, this world is a world of Death.
There is a  very personal force that lives within you.

The answer is within you, the kingdom is within, the truth is within, it’s all within- the lie, the delusion is that your salvation is somewhere out there !  Salvation is within, it’s not in a label, or magic, or money, or gold, it is in Spirit and Reality, in You, in Me, Within.  The world is passing away But whoever does the will of God lives forever.
There is only ONE cause of life.  Let God be true and every Man a LIAR  !!
So simple, and profound is this that to the majority of people can not see it. How many actually take the time to seek out, to ponder, to feed every day on the manna of the word of God ? I have no idea, but I know that the more I do this the more complete I am. I am made whole and have everything I need for life in seeking after the truth that is in me. Not in books, although books can be used to guide us so long as they point to the truth within, which, for me, is Christ in me. When I commune with Christ nothing can hurt me, no, nothing, not by any means. Christ is  The power of God and the wisdom of God
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GOD IS ONE

IMAGINE !
Jesus came to show us that we too can say:  I am in my Father and my Father is in me.
We are ONE, and just like Jesus you can die and rise again. For the Spirit of the living God has been poured out on all flesh.

IMAGINE !

You rule the world God gives you everlasting life through the SPIRIT. That is you are a KING / QUEEN of your realm – YOUR MIND and BODY are your realm of existence, your spirit is given you by your heavenly Father, your creator. No one will ever have the same experience that you do. No One, you are the only one. The ever expanding God robes himself in flesh (thereby limiting himself), humbling himself and yet with God nothing is impossible.

– BELIEVE – GOD IS ALL IN ALL – The beginning and the end, the first and the last God.
God is in the Universe, the air, the earth, the sea, all that is in them, you and me. God is in you and in me and outside of you and outside of me and yet we can not see God with our eyes, no, we see God through our eyes. There is a big difference. In the depth of our being, we are one with God for the Father is in Jesus,  Jesus is in us, and we are one with the all in all, and yet we are unique, there is no one like you, no one like me. It’s extremely simple and profound, it blows my mind – YES!!  God is Spirit, intangible and yet everything you look at is a reflection of God even our reflection. Whenever I see that new born baby, I’m looking at the face of God!  Have you found the child in you?  If you can not answer that then keep looking, never stop looking until know, and you will know beyond all doubt and no one will be able to talk you out of it, nothing shall by any means hurt you again.

We have an external witness and an internal witness, Hmmmm, two witnesses, interesting, there is something to that for sure.

Why is that so hard for us to accept? God humbled himself, came down into the world, robed in a garment. Flesh and blood is that garment (Jesus=God personified), a precious beautiful garment is your body. God, through Jesus, shows us how. When you real-ize this you will be “born again”, you will be resurrected and begin the ascension, and grow upward from the inside out, leaving behind all the base and evil things, death will never touch you again, you are ever expanding life in Christ,  Lord of Lords.    What great news!!

We get to start fresh every day and we can be true to ourselves while we are learning and moving closer to our purpose for being.

What do you love the most?
The best advice we can give each other is, do what you love. Let everything be done out of love.   You’ve heard it all your life, but, are you listening?
Do what you love and you’ll love what you do. Find your passion.

Let Your Light So Shine !

BIG LOVE lil’ gini

Brilliant !

This is so very brilliant that I had to share

William Blake writing to the “reader” of his poem Jerusalem says:

The Spirit of Jesus is continual forgiveness of Sin: he who
waits to be righteous before he enters into the Saviours kingdom,
the Divine Body; will never enter there. I am perhaps the most
sinful of men! I pretend not to holiness! yet I pretend to love,
to see, to converse with daily, as man with man, & the more to
have an interest in the Friend of Sinners. Therefore
[Dear] Reader, [forgive] what you do not
approve, & [love] me for this energetic exertion of my
talent.

http://www.public-library.uk/ebooks/15/32.pdf

Think about it,
The Spirit of Jesus is the continual forgiveness of sin; 
Therefore, forgive what you do not approve and love me.

MAGNIFICENT!!!

Imagine

When is the last time you used your imagination?

Just imagine, try it. smell it, taste it, feel it,
taste a lemon or chocolate.

See yourself taking a nice bath or shower.
Imagine your best friend and just hanging out with them . . .

How’d that make you feel?

JESUS   –
Jesus,  people were either praising Jesus or trying to kill Jesus, they still are, every day.

It is written:
For this reason, therefore, the Jews were seeking all the more to kill Him, because He not only was breaking the Sabbath but also was calling God His own Father, making Himself equal with God. John 5 – 18:18

Are we not the very same with one another? Are we not the very same within our own selves?  Imagine being equal with God. How would you use such a power? To what end? How would you walk? talk? and conduct yourself toward your fellow man?
fear-not-for-i-am-with-you-be-not-dismayed-for-i-amd-your-god-i-will-strengthen-you-yes-i-will-help-you
THE BATTLE
This I have in the past learned the hard way.

My heart has been aching for years and years now. Finally, I am on the mend, truly I am.

All too literally,  I have put my heart in another man’s hands.  I’ve had enough heart surgery on the outside for three people at least. Now, it’s time for surgery on the inside.  My chest has been sawed in two and wired back together, heart has been stopped and started, it’s arteries blockages have been spliced, and rearranged to assist with the flow of life.

This I have learned the hard way. Our weapons for winning the war on fear and doubt are within us. Everything we need is within. Christ the hope of glory is within you! Christ in you is so close that you can not nor will you ever be separate.

Watch what conversations, judgments, loving and unloving thoughts you dwell on.
Take time to think about what you are thinking about.

Hmmmm, What are you thinking about when you are not thinking about what you think about? ? ?

Truly God is One and All in All –  Love and wisdom, faith, grace, and truth, forgiveness and all good things or doubt and fear, pride and greed, it is all inside of you, every last jot and tittle. We are held accountable for every imagination of our hearts.  The most power, the greatest responsibility we will ever have is the power to choose.   Choose wisely, choose nobly, choose lovingly.

Like tiny seeds, your inward imaginations are the seeds and fruit of your heart and they will yield fruit after their own kind. Reaping a harvest of what you have sown in the garden of your mind. We all reap what we sow, it is the law of an identical harvest, and that law will never pass away.     Look within and monitor your thoughts and inner conversations.  Speak to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs making melody in your heart to the LORD, to whom you belong. Be thankful.

Change the inside, and you will witness that change on the outside.

But . . . you knew that. Be encouraged in the knowledge that “God” is for you and not against you. All good things are given richly to be enjoyed.

BIG LOVE,
lil’ gini

 

Poem for Today

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Doesn’t Mean Anything

And it doesn’t mean anything
Hear children, what you hear
I sit and hear the fan whirling
The narrator narrating
The birds in the trees
Brings me to my knees
And it doesn’t mean anything
These are but echoes of things that have been
I’ve been here
I’ve been there
I’ve been just about everywhere
And it doesn’t mean anything
I feel cold
I feel warm
My heart beats on
The days grow long
And the earth still turns just the same
And really, really,
It doesn’t mean anything
Light, Love, and Life goes on and on
Darkness, chaos, death,  shadows
Of what has been, it was, it is, it comes to pass.

What will be, well . . .

That’s up to you?

Us?

Them?

Oh wait! That’s me.

And it doesn’t mean anything . . .

?

 

Quit Yer Bitchin’ – Mental Diets 1.1

Consciousness

I was just standing quietly on the porch thinking when I decided to roam around the grounds making myself at home.  Having a conversation with myself, you know, thinking.

I was cogitating on the Oneness of the All in All, Above all, in all and through all. And how true it is that everyone you meet has the same breath, the same light that lights every man. When I came around the corner and saw a neighbor doing, far as I can tell,   the same thing.

We had the most lovely conversation, we laughed and laughed enjoying things we had in common. Made my day.  We said goodbye and I went up the stairs and stood for a few more minutes just noticing and being thankful.

That right there my friends, was a good glimpse of glory, and I appreciate it. I’d like to do that more and more.

While standing on the stairs I was moved by some train of thought that got me off track brought me down a little. The thinking that stopped me was Noticing how much people complain, and how much you and I complain. Complaints depreciate gratitude. Well, grace abounds and gratitude always appreciates. I don’t like depreciating or complaining. I’m going to give it my best to stop complaining inside and out. Starting while it’s still today.

People just love to complain, we are always seeking comfort while remaining uncomfortable with where we are. Tell me, please, how can we be comfortable, if we complain about being uncomfortable with where we are at? Just think about it.

Very sad.

Along with all that complaining comes the control issues:
Control issues?     I once had someone tell me not to breathe a certain way because they found it annoying. Like I was doing it on purpose to annoy them. I’ve been doing my best to imagine them content, and happy – for that is all I truly wish to be. Yet I fall short …
But, this is for another blog, another day.

____________________________________

As within – So without

Full responsibility !! – nothing outside yourself/myself is responsible for your world, for the “without” is a reflection of the “within”.  We choose our thoughts, our imaginations they are the seeds we plant in the garden of our minds and what we plant grows and blooms unless we weed it out.  We have the choice of controlling our thoughts and guiding them in love and kindness, gentleness, joyfulness, patience, peacefulness in all we know to be good in life, or we can let our imaginations run wild, thereby reflecting chaos, malice, strife, hatred, envy, division, murders, wars, destruction.

http://biblehub.com/luke/17-21.htm
21 They can’t say, ‘Here it is!’ or ‘There it is!’ You see, the kingdom of God is within you.”

Now in all this I am still just a child, learning, growing,
Simple, but not necessarily easy it takes practice, patience, and faith most of all.

Freinds, I beg you, choose your thoughts wisely, choose the noble, choose love, choose life.

BIG LOVE
‘lil gini

____________________________________________________
Related Song for those who love poetry and song:

https://youtu.be/fs0g6yL6kDc

Paula Cole – ME
“Me”
I am not the person who is singing,
I am the silent one inside.
I am not the one who laughs at people’s jokes,
I just pacify their egos.
I am not my house, my car or my songs,
They are only stops along my way.
I am like the winter, I’m a dark cold female,
With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave.

And it’s me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence

I am carrying my voice
I am carrying a heart.
I am carrying the rhythm
I am carrying my prayers, but you can kill my spirit, it’s old and it is strong,
And like a mountain, I’ll go on and on.
But when my wings are folded,
The brightly colored moth blends into the dirt into the ground

And it’s me who is my enemy.
Me who beats me up.
Me who makes the monsters.
Me who strips my confidence.
And it’s me who’s too weak,
And it’s me who’s too shy to ask for the thing I love.
And it’s me who’s too weak,
And it’s me who’s too shy to ask for the thing I love.
But I love

I am walking on the bridge,
I am over the water,
And I’m scared as hell
But I know there’s something better. Yes, I know there’s something better,
(Yes I know, yes I know, yes I know, yes I know)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Me_(Paula_Cole_song)

Trauma, Trauma, Trauma

Everyone knows trauma. And if you don’t, you will at some point along this journey we call life. Not one person is immune, we will all go through the fires of affliction.

But, what to do with those experiences? Now, there’s the question.

We can use them to justify our attitudes, or complain, and whine remaining miserable,  or we can choose to overcome and thereby grow stronger, wiser, and more at ease within.

I used to think I was nigh unto invincible. Most days I felt I could take on anything and conquer, coming out triumphant and ready to battle again. Then life changed dramatically.

In a three to five-year span (2005-2008, 09, 10) I went through a whirlwind of some pretty heavy dark night of the soul experiences.

There were more than one loved one’s big illness, a career killer, job layoffs, the suicide attempt of a loved one, an unprecedented court case, a graduation, some empty nest stuff, bankruptcy, divorce, homelessness, hmmmm and a few other “big item” stressors.

The first three years culminated in an event that knocked me for a loop, for a long time. It was in June of 2007, I survived CABG surgery. All this pain and turmoil  changed my life, no doubt.

Did it change it for the better?

Would I do it again?

After 10-years, I still can’t answer that question fully. I do know that through those experiences I have grown and today, though I may not be rich by this world’s standards, I am stronger, and happier, living with more purpose and resolve than ever before. I truly appreciate being alive and I am making my own way, gradually in the most loving way I know how.

The big deal: CABG stands for Coronary Artery Bypass Surgery.

A description from John Hopkins

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It’s pretty intense, they put you under anesthesia and open you up with a little jig saw (okay, so I’m not sure what the buzzsaw is called but I’m pretty sure it would do a nice jigsaw job on wood) , crank open your the rib cage, stop your heart ,inserting tubes and wires to keep you alive and direct  blood flow through  what is essentially an artificial heart; a big machine with tubes, pumps etc. that keeps your blood circulating while they graft veins from your leg or wrist around the blockages. Amazing modern miracle surgery.

This is taking me some effort to write. At this point, it’s all rather vague and like a bad dream,  I still don’t like to talk about it.

At any rate, just prior to the surgery I felt time slow down, it kept getting slower and slower, I felt weaker and weaker and I went to the emergency room complaining of chest pain. They ran tests, and I had a catheterization.  They said my veins/arteries were too small to place a stent. They changed my meds and said the usual things they say to patients;  less stress, more exercise, blah, blah, blah.

 

That’s right, blah, blah, blah.

Don’t get me wrong I am eternally grateful for the physicians, the surgeons, the nurses and everyone who were  dedicated and assisted me during this time. They are an amazing poeple.

The time warp continued and one day about six weeks later I said to my partner at the time, I have to go to the hospital.  I could not explain it but I just knew something was terribly wrong and I wouldn’t be around much longer if I didn’t do something immediately.

After arriving at the ER they put me on a treadmill. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t walk on the treadmill, I tried but I wasn’t on it two minutes before I had to stop.  They came back and said we are taking you to surgery if you agree, sign here.

I did not hesitate to sign.

The next thing I knew I woke in the recovery room. Upon waking all I could do was cry, cry in repentance, crying out asking what did I do that all this had come upon me and I found myself there, under bright lights, with all these tubes and wires and odd noises and people, poking at me.

They got me up and into a chair very quickly.

Post-op depression set in immediately.

I felt violated, vulnerable and victimized. I was a  angry that I even survived. My body and spirit were crushed. At the tender age of 42, I had no clue how I would come back from all this.

I’ve come a long way since that day, both physically and psychologically. The journey has been a curious one.  More on that later . . .

As I said before, I was in such a dark place in my being. I would not wish this place on my worst enemy. My attitude was horrible. Sure I would die at any moment, I was lost, I was without hope, I was empty, crushed to an infinite number of pieces, just this side of powder.  My mother, who passed away in October of 2009, said to
me at some point, Ginny, what has happened to you, “where is your spunk?” you are not the same. She was spot on, and I didn’t want to live anymore. What on earth could I possibly be good for after this?? How can I  come back?  I was pretty sure I wouldn’t make it. Yet, here I am and how life has changed.

To Be Continued . . . .

Know this, it is not the length of time that it takes you to recover for everyone heals in their own way at their own pace. It’s the resolve to never give up, no matter the obstacles placed in your way, know that it is temporary and they came to pass, They will pass away.  Be tenacious in allowing, accepting, honoring, and letting go.

BIG LOVE
lil’gini