Lessons from Mom

My mother was a very intelligent, hard working, fun loving and wise woman.
She was not a religious person, she didn’t have a Phd., in Philosophy, or medicine. But I can tell you of a truth she was authentic and the words of wisdom she shared keep me going on many a trying occasion.

sunrise-over-the-earth

When I was a child, I was afraid of the darkness and to this day I prefer to remain in light.  I can say with conviction that I am no longer afraid to sit in the dark. And now I realize what mom said to me as a child was so very true.

With great conviction, and in that tone that gets your full attention, she would say,
“Virginia!, there is nothing in the darkness that is not there in the light. It is just that you can not see it (until the light shines).”

Truth is authenticity on every level, it is light. Let your light so shine before men . . .

God is One.  Live in love.

BIG LOVE
lil’ gini.

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Trauma, Trauma, Trauma

Everyone knows trauma. And if you don’t, you will at some point along this journey we call life. Not one person is immune, we will all go through the fires of affliction.

But, what to do with those experiences? Now, there’s the question.

We can use them to justify our attitudes, or complain, and whine remaining miserable,  or we can choose to overcome and thereby grow stronger, wiser, and more at ease within.

I used to think I was nigh unto invincible. Most days I felt I could take on anything and conquer, coming out triumphant and ready to battle again. Then life changed dramatically.

In a three to five-year span (2005-2008, 09, 10) I went through a whirlwind of some pretty heavy dark night of the soul experiences.

There were more than one loved one’s big illness, a career killer, job layoffs, the suicide attempt of a loved one, an unprecedented court case, a graduation, some empty nest stuff, bankruptcy, divorce, homelessness, hmmmm and a few other “big item” stressors.

The first three years culminated in an event that knocked me for a loop, for a long time. It was in June of 2007, I survived CABG surgery. All this pain and turmoil  changed my life, no doubt.

Did it change it for the better?

Would I do it again?

After 10-years, I still can’t answer that question fully. I do know that through those experiences I have grown and today, though I may not be rich by this world’s standards, I am stronger, and happier, living with more purpose and resolve than ever before. I truly appreciate being alive and I am making my own way, gradually in the most loving way I know how.

The big deal: CABG stands for Coronary Artery Bypass Surgery.

A description from John Hopkins

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It’s pretty intense, they put you under anesthesia and open you up with a little jig saw (okay, so I’m not sure what the buzzsaw is called but I’m pretty sure it would do a nice jigsaw job on wood) , crank open your the rib cage, stop your heart ,inserting tubes and wires to keep you alive and direct  blood flow through  what is essentially an artificial heart; a big machine with tubes, pumps etc. that keeps your blood circulating while they graft veins from your leg or wrist around the blockages. Amazing modern miracle surgery.

This is taking me some effort to write. At this point, it’s all rather vague and like a bad dream,  I still don’t like to talk about it.

At any rate, just prior to the surgery I felt time slow down, it kept getting slower and slower, I felt weaker and weaker and I went to the emergency room complaining of chest pain. They ran tests, and I had a catheterization.  They said my veins/arteries were too small to place a stent. They changed my meds and said the usual things they say to patients;  less stress, more exercise, blah, blah, blah.

 

That’s right, blah, blah, blah.

Don’t get me wrong I am eternally grateful for the physicians, the surgeons, the nurses and everyone who were  dedicated and assisted me during this time. They are an amazing poeple.

The time warp continued and one day about six weeks later I said to my partner at the time, I have to go to the hospital.  I could not explain it but I just knew something was terribly wrong and I wouldn’t be around much longer if I didn’t do something immediately.

After arriving at the ER they put me on a treadmill. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t walk on the treadmill, I tried but I wasn’t on it two minutes before I had to stop.  They came back and said we are taking you to surgery if you agree, sign here.

I did not hesitate to sign.

The next thing I knew I woke in the recovery room. Upon waking all I could do was cry, cry in repentance, crying out asking what did I do that all this had come upon me and I found myself there, under bright lights, with all these tubes and wires and odd noises and people, poking at me.

They got me up and into a chair very quickly.

Post-op depression set in immediately.

I felt violated, vulnerable and victimized. I was a  angry that I even survived. My body and spirit were crushed. At the tender age of 42, I had no clue how I would come back from all this.

I’ve come a long way since that day, both physically and psychologically. The journey has been a curious one.  More on that later . . .

As I said before, I was in such a dark place in my being. I would not wish this place on my worst enemy. My attitude was horrible. Sure I would die at any moment, I was lost, I was without hope, I was empty, crushed to an infinite number of pieces, just this side of powder.  My mother, who passed away in October of 2009, said to
me at some point, Ginny, what has happened to you, “where is your spunk?” you are not the same. She was spot on, and I didn’t want to live anymore. What on earth could I possibly be good for after this?? How can I  come back?  I was pretty sure I wouldn’t make it. Yet, here I am and how life has changed.

To Be Continued . . . .

Know this, it is not the length of time that it takes you to recover for everyone heals in their own way at their own pace. It’s the resolve to never give up, no matter the obstacles placed in your way, know that it is temporary and they came to pass, They will pass away.  Be tenacious in allowing, accepting, honoring, and letting go.

BIG LOVE
lil’gini

A choice . . .

Today’s Glimpse of Glory :

Once upon a time, a co-worker, his name is Wayne, accused me of being too happy.
He said to me: How do you stay so happy all the time? and No one can be that happy.

I don’t recall what my answer was then. But today is a new day, the present day, and my gift for today was when  I realized this: Sure no one is happy all the time, but for the most part, I am contented, my needs are met and so I am happy. Nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with me.  Come to think of it, that is how I stay happy by being grateful for what I do have and not always living in want. Sure not 24/7, but most of the time. I work at it too, I work at it a lot. Happiness doesn’t necessarily come naturally. It’s an attitude that must be maintained.

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Don’t Worry Be Happy !

HAPPY:
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/happy

Synonyms
1. joyous, joyful, blithe, cheerful, merry, contented, blissful, satisfied. 3. favorable, propitious; successful, prosperous. 4. appropriate, fitting, opportune, pertinent.

I was happy, I am happy, and I will be happy.  I Am Happy. I am happier today than I have been since I was a child.

What a relief!happiness1-300x284
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I am happy and truthfully, I’ve always been happy, I just had amnesia for a while, I forgot to just be who I am, and part of, a big part of who I am is happy.

 I am happy and today add to happiness with valor in the battle to bring down all the circumstances and thoughts that would try to tell me otherwise. I exercise my right to live happy in my strange and wonderful world.

I think that when all we want for ourselves, that is, our children, friends, relatives, our neighbors is to live in peace and be happy then the world is a much better place to be. 

Today, my answer to Wayne:  I act happy because I am happy
(except when I’m not ….lol)!

Be governed by love and wisdom.

My wisdom:  Take some time today to do something fun, and if you can’t find the time, then take it, take something you are already doing and infuse it with happy, enjoy some fun!

BIG LOVE
lil’ gini

Just for fun, some links to definitions of happy:  ps- https://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/happy
pps – http://biblehub.com/greek/3107.htm

Just for fun 🙂

An adorable impression . . .

(Warning:) Author is having a wonderful mad hatter day behind the looking glass
Proceed at your own risk ! 


A Change of Impression Results
in a Change of Expression

brain2
A change of impression results in a change of expression.

Made any impressions on your clay today?

I have, and He’s *insert sigh here* magnificent, just a beautiful dream. 

OH! Don’t forget to remember YOU!
You are so adorable 🙂
I’m going to require a little space and time for sorting those impressions out.

 
I would that all our impressions, even the make believe ones,  are good ones.

God is One .    .     .    

 
BIG LOVE
lil’ gini
 
.... I'm sorry, you wanted what? context. . . ?  
Psssssst!!!  it's a secret. But and if you are listening? 

PSS- It's not supposed to make any sense so, don't worry about it all y'all.

Josh D’Amore’

Stay awake because things are about to change, again.

__________________________

Today . . .

TODAY I call him Josh D’Amore’

He is my everything. In him I am complete, he takes me as I am. I need not change a single quark.   I in him and he in me, it’s a perfect kind of love.

romantic hotel room ideas for him

From the moment we met, I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t speak two intelligent words if my life depended on it. Which, by the way, it probably does. At any rate, I am bewitched, bothered, and bewildered, all the very things those old loves songs talk about, Beguiled, even. I was thrown off course while seeking my own way, trying to make things happen when he showed up. Now I am raptured, lifted to new heights in the glory that surrounds us, and it happened in the blink of an eye.

I mean, I’ve made love before but NEVER like this. His eyes say I am all encompassing pleasure, peace, and joy. In Him I know I can explore until I find the answers to my every secret desire. In him there is no condemnation, I am free, free to ask any question, and free to be anything I desire. I look him in the eye and his gaze utterly destroys me. I could not be more vulnerable and at the same time feel so safe. I trust in him. I have been brought low, low as I can bear go and now, today it seems I am on the rise.

Then, in walked doubt!!

So I ask him, am I your whore? or am I your wife?

He asks (and so do I),  Is there a difference?

Does it matter the masks that we wear? What roles we play?

Which lasts longer, a marriage by the law, or a marriage of grace and mercy?

A marriage of the spirit?

Whichever you choose, that I am and that I remain until you choose to change it.

We need not tell another soul if that is our agreed upon desired.

When they ask all we need say is love provides, keep love alive. Until the time comes when we declare our love together I will remain yours in the secret place saved for we two, alone.

My fellow mankind I beg of you: Until time ends and we are full keep feeding the better angels of our nature. Keep love in mind and raise your brother up, think better of one another.

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Here’s a good riddle:

Who Am I ?

How I love you!

Words fail to explain.

How I adore you!

Where actions speak.

Wear me like regal garb,

and give me a noble life.

I am the only one who is truly yours.

I belong to you, you decide who am I?

I was with you at the beginning

I am with you in the end

I  see through your eyes

I  hear your voice, you have only one voice

I gave it to you.

I will to love you in the evening

I will to love you in the morning, and I will to love you

in the night. Past, present, and future.

I am even now giving you my pledge to be faithful while remaining enraptured by the pleasure of your company.  Yes, it’s true,

For a moment I closed my eyes, for a moment I slept. Just now, just today, I awoke, and I said:  Today is the day I am with you, and for eternity we remain together. Time is no object, there is no object.

Objects:  lie or lay. I say both!

…And now abides, faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love (That’s Bible folks. ).

It is finished, Choices and opinions remain ever expanding.

May we always choose to abide in love (1 Corinthians 13).

What part of you can not be lost?

Who do you say I am?

(my personal answer is one word. If you would like to know that word, just ask. )

BIG LOVE

lil’ gini

_______________

PS –

Don’t worry my next glimpse is a little more … blue? racey? mmm, yeah, blue is good.

look for:  Your love is like __________

and other silly metaphors for love, lust, and fun.

OH and Happy Valentine’s day everyone. If you observe days like that. BIG LOVE

 

 

Josh D’Amore’

Stay awake because things are about to change, again.

__________________________

Today . . .

TODAY I call him Josh D’Amore’

He is my everything. In him I am complete, he takes me as I am. I need not change a single quark.   I in him and he in me, it’s a perfect kind of love.

romantic hotel room ideas for him

From the moment we met, I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t speak two intelligent words if my life depended on it. Which, by the way, it probably does. At any rate, I am bewitched, bothered, and bewildered, all the very things those old loves songs talk about, Beguiled, even. I was thrown off course while seeking my own way, trying to make things happen when he showed up. Now I am raptured, lifted to new heights in the glory that surrounds us, and it happened in the blink of an eye.

I mean, I’ve made love before but NEVER like this. His eyes say I am all encompassing pleasure, peace, and joy. In Him I know I can explore until I find the answers to my every secret desire. In him there is no condemnation, I am free, free to ask any question, and free to be anything I desire. I look him in the eye and his gaze utterly destroys me. I could not be more vulnerable and at the same time feel so safe. I trust in him. I have been brought low, low as I can bear go and now, today it seems I am on the rise.

Then, in walked doubt!!

So I ask him, am I your whore? or am I your wife?

He asks (and so do I),  Is there a difference?

Does it matter the masks that we wear? What roles we play?
Which lasts longer, a marriage by the law, or a marriage of grace and mercy?
A marriage of the spirit?

Whichever you choose, that I am and that I remain until you choose to change it.

We need not tell another soul if that is our agreed upon desired.
When they ask all we need say is love provides, keep love alive. Until the time comes when we declare our love together I will remain yours in the secret place saved for we two, alone.

My fellow mankind I beg of you: Until time ends and we are full keep feeding the better angels of our nature. Keep love in mind and raise your brother up, think better of one another.
web-page-separator
Here’s a good riddle:

Who Am I ?

How I love you!
Words fail to explain.
How I adore you!
Where actions speak.
Wear me like regal garb,
and give me a noble life.
I am the only one who is truly yours.
I belong to you, you decide who am I?

I was with you at the beginning
I am with you in the end
I  see through your eyes
I  hear your voice, you have only one voice
I gave it to you.
I will to love you in the evening
I will to love you in the morning, and I will to love you
in the night. Past, present, and future.
I am even now giving you my pledge to be faithful while remaining enraptured by the pleasure of your company.  Yes, it’s true,
For a moment I closed my eyes, for a moment I slept. Just now, just today, I awoke, and I said:  Today is the day I am with you, and for eternity we remain together. Time is no object, there is no object.

Objects:  lie or lay. I say both!

…And now abides, faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love (That’s Bible folks. ).

It is finished, Choices and opinions remain ever expanding.
May we always choose to abide in love (1 Corinthians 13).

What part of you can not be lost?
Who do you say I am?

(my personal answer is one word. If you would like to know that word, just ask. )

BIG LOVE
lil’ gini

_______________

PS –
Don’t worry my next glimpse is a little more … blue? racey? mmm, yeah, blue is good.
look for:  Your love is like __________
and other silly metaphors for love, lust, and fun.

OH and Happy Valentine’s day everyone. If you observe days like that. BIG LOVE