Trauma, Trauma, Trauma

Everyone knows trauma. And if you don’t, you will at some point along this journey we call life. Not one person is immune, we will all go through the fires of affliction.

But, what to do with those experiences? Now, there’s the question.

We can use them to justify our attitudes, or complain, and whine remaining miserable,  or we can choose to overcome and thereby grow stronger, wiser, and more at ease within.

I used to think I was nigh unto invincible. Most days I felt I could take on anything and conquer, coming out triumphant and ready to battle again. Then life changed dramatically.

In a three to five-year span (2005-2008, 09, 10) I went through a whirlwind of some pretty heavy dark night of the soul experiences.

There were more than one loved one’s big illness, a career killer, job layoffs, the suicide attempt of a loved one, an unprecedented court case, a graduation, some empty nest stuff, bankruptcy, divorce, homelessness, hmmmm and a few other “big item” stressors.

The first three years culminated in an event that knocked me for a loop, for a long time. It was in June of 2007, I survived CABG surgery. All this pain and turmoil  changed my life, no doubt.

Did it change it for the better?

Would I do it again?

After 10-years, I still can’t answer that question fully. I do know that through those experiences I have grown and today, though I may not be rich by this world’s standards, I am stronger, and happier, living with more purpose and resolve than ever before. I truly appreciate being alive and I am making my own way, gradually in the most loving way I know how.

The big deal: CABG stands for Coronary Artery Bypass Surgery.

A description from John Hopkins

f921a870bcac561b3349134dfec4764f

 

It’s pretty intense, they put you under anesthesia and open you up with a little jig saw (okay, so I’m not sure what the buzzsaw is called but I’m pretty sure it would do a nice jigsaw job on wood) , crank open your the rib cage, stop your heart ,inserting tubes and wires to keep you alive and direct  blood flow through  what is essentially an artificial heart; a big machine with tubes, pumps etc. that keeps your blood circulating while they graft veins from your leg or wrist around the blockages. Amazing modern miracle surgery.

This is taking me some effort to write. At this point, it’s all rather vague and like a bad dream,  I still don’t like to talk about it.

At any rate, just prior to the surgery I felt time slow down, it kept getting slower and slower, I felt weaker and weaker and I went to the emergency room complaining of chest pain. They ran tests, and I had a catheterization.  They said my veins/arteries were too small to place a stent. They changed my meds and said the usual things they say to patients;  less stress, more exercise, blah, blah, blah.

 

That’s right, blah, blah, blah.

Don’t get me wrong I am eternally grateful for the physicians, the surgeons, the nurses and everyone who were  dedicated and assisted me during this time. They are an amazing poeple.

The time warp continued and one day about six weeks later I said to my partner at the time, I have to go to the hospital.  I could not explain it but I just knew something was terribly wrong and I wouldn’t be around much longer if I didn’t do something immediately.

After arriving at the ER they put me on a treadmill. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t walk on the treadmill, I tried but I wasn’t on it two minutes before I had to stop.  They came back and said we are taking you to surgery if you agree, sign here.

I did not hesitate to sign.

The next thing I knew I woke in the recovery room. Upon waking all I could do was cry, cry in repentance, crying out asking what did I do that all this had come upon me and I found myself there, under bright lights, with all these tubes and wires and odd noises and people, poking at me.

They got me up and into a chair very quickly.

Post-op depression set in immediately.

I felt violated, vulnerable and victimized. I was a  angry that I even survived. My body and spirit were crushed. At the tender age of 42, I had no clue how I would come back from all this.

I’ve come a long way since that day, both physically and psychologically. The journey has been a curious one.  More on that later . . .

As I said before, I was in such a dark place in my being. I would not wish this place on my worst enemy. My attitude was horrible. Sure I would die at any moment, I was lost, I was without hope, I was empty, crushed to an infinite number of pieces, just this side of powder.  My mother, who passed away in October of 2009, said to
me at some point, Ginny, what has happened to you, “where is your spunk?” you are not the same. She was spot on, and I didn’t want to live anymore. What on earth could I possibly be good for after this?? How can I  come back?  I was pretty sure I wouldn’t make it. Yet, here I am and how life has changed.

To Be Continued . . . .

Know this, it is not the length of time that it takes you to recover for everyone heals in their own way at their own pace. It’s the resolve to never give up, no matter the obstacles placed in your way, know that it is temporary and they came to pass, They will pass away.  Be tenacious in allowing, accepting, honoring, and letting go.

BIG LOVE
lil’gini

Advertisements

Imagination and the Kingdom of God


Our whole point  depends on our definition of God.
Is there a God?

There are many gods, or rather we make gods out of many things.

I believe there is only one true and living God.   What do I/we know about God?

 Firstly, God is, God is One
*God is Good
* God is Spirit
*Omniscient
*Omnipresent
*Omnipotent*
God is the Author of life and faith* that which is intangible*
God’s Kingdom is Within* – and Without*

Α -Ω from beginning to end GOD IS ALL IN ALL –  Both the Author and the Finisher.

The Book of John 17    The Book of Isaiah Chapter 44 – Hebrews 12: 1-3

Correct?  headscratch

Energy:  Energy is neither created nor can it be destroyed.

” If Energy cannot be created or destroyed and all matter is a form of energy, then all must be a form of God.
ef5f0f32c39ac405a4cf2032e9cc0ab9

Ask the Van !

I’m not so sure about how to look at this since we are said to be separated from God by sin. If this is true, that we are separated by sin, then in some way, we must be  reconciled and resurrected  back to life, because God can not die. ??  ??   yes?

Consider then if you will, that true life then begins at the end.
That is to say, begin with the crucifixion for resurrection. Jesus is our example, the NT is the story of us, you and me.  When you realize your end (I die daily) you will find your beginning. Therefore, you must die to really live life at it’s fullest.  God knows the end from the beginning and all is complete.

The Big Quantum Equation

God fills the Universe, the air, the earth, the sea, all that is in them, you and me. God is in you and in me and outside of you and outside of me and yet we can not see God with our eyes, no, it is through our eyes that we see God’s creation in all.

Am I looking through my eyes? What do I see? Am I seeing what is, or what I choose to see?

The kingdom of God is within. In the depth of our being, we are one with God for the Father is in Jesus,  Jesus is in us, and we are one with the all in all, and yet we are unique, there is no one like you, no one like me. It’s extremely simple and profound, it blows my mind – YES!!  God is Spirit, intangible and yet everything you look at is a reflection of God even our own reflection. Whenever I see that newborn baby, wrapped in swaddling clothes, I see the most precious being that comes from the greatest mystery and has the breath of life. I am, we are looking at the face of God!

While attempting to feed my intellect, and configure my reality, I recently came across some teachings by a man named: Neville Goddard – He has an extremely interesting take on life, death, salvation, resurrection, spirit, body. If I understand what I am reading,  He taught that the Bible is not literal but figurative stories and the NT is the fulfillment of the OT and that Jesus Christ is the Lord who exists as our own, wonderful,  imagination. Reality through imagination. It is in our imagination that we create our world. That is to say, what we think on, our inner man (self-talk) manifests. You are (and you get) what you dwell on. This holds us fully and completely responsible. This is revelatory and when God reveals Christ within, that is when we are born again we can and will perceive. Here is a link for many of Neville’s Recordings
neville_goddardThey sound really far out, but taking a closer look much of it make sense.

Have you found the newborn child in you?  If you can not answer that then keep looking, never stop looking until know, and you will know beyond all doubt and no one will be able to talk you out of it, nothing shall by any means hurt you again.

We have an external witness and an internal witness,( Hmmmm, two witnesses, interesting), there is something to that for sure. I’ll save that for another day.

That this life which we are conscious of is the valley of the shadow of death and we need not fear when we realize Christ in us, the hope of glory. 

Why is that so hard for us to accept that the Spirit life is true life ?

It is written; God humbled himself, (materialized/manifested in the world), robed in a garment,  that garment is flesh and blood  (Jesus=God personified), a precious beautiful garment that is your body.  God, through Jesus, shows us how He is the plan of salvation. When you realize (
real-ize) this you will be “born again”. The Christ within you will be born, you will die and be resurrected and the ascension will take place. You grow upward from the inside out, leaving behind all the base and evil things, death will never touch you again, we are ever expanding life in Christ, Lord of Lords.  The first Adam is of the earth, earthy, the second Adam is the Lord from heaven, the Lord is a life-giving Spirit.  Your mind is spirit where reality resides.

Note to self: God alone is the true judge.
Be ever so careful to mind your thoughts bring them into subjection.
“For the wages of sin is death (judgment between good and evil), but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord (eternal life).  -Think about what you are thinking about and choose life, choose good, choose love.

Everlasting life is a present-tense possession. The scriptures tell us in Deuteronomy God says: I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse (Good & Evil).

Thankfully, we get to start fresh every day and we can be true to ourselves while we are learning and moving closer to our purpose for being because God’s mercies are new every morning and longsuffering we can trust completely while exploring these big questions of life.

What do you love the most? Let everything be done out of love.
 
You’ve heard it all your life (if you were raised in a “Christian” atmosphere that is), but, are you listening? Do what you love and you’ll love what you do. Find your passion.   Choose nobility, and altruism, imagine, embody, and appropriate your loves. This is what it is to show our faith by works. James letter to the saints states: As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead
(James 2).  

 But seriously friends, what do I know?

ChickWithEgg_Dollar62115459-300x300 

I’m just a chick, and this is MY learning curve.
I’m not even sure I’m making any sense at all.

Let Your Light Shine !
BIG LOVE lil’ gini
web-page-separator
Song for today: Late Lament – The Moody Blues –
“Late Lament”

 

Breathe deep the gathering gloom,
Watch lights fade from every room.
Bedsitter people look back and lament,
Another day’s useless energy spent.
Impassioned lovers wrestle as one,
Lonely man cries for love and has none.
New mother picks up and suckles her son,
Senior citizens wish they were young.
Cold hearted orb that rules the night,
Removes the colours from our sight.
Red is grey and yellow white.
But we decide which is right.
And which is an illusion?

 

Excuse me, what?

The heat is nearly unbearable today, but the wind is blowing just fine, and I’ve actually got some energy flowing so… what to do, what to do?  Let’s go sailing?

Okay, I’ve pulled up anchor, hoisted up the mainsail and on we go, one breath at a time.  {Taps fingers… }, one breath at a time. . . . Alright . . . {continues tapping fingers while waiting}.    What happened to the wind?

So, this isn’t as easy as I thought it might be?? huh, what?  Aaaaah!

It is  eleven days until I fly out to Seattle to start fresh. I feel happy, and sad all at the same time. I feel  a little overwhelmed. Last week, I was ready and raring to go. I’m still excited to go, but I’m doubting the ready part.  It hit me this morning that I really am going to do this, I mean it really is real.    Really?. . .   Really!

I was going to see my sister for a bit first, but that fell through. I just couldn’t find a way justify spending the extra money. I am currently living on SSDI and the budget it is really tight. I mean like first moved out of your parent’s house working a minimum wage job got two roommates out of work tight. I only say this because, ahem, I forgot to remind myself : “I have a lavish, dependable, steady income consistent with integrity and mutual benefit.”

Even with a very generous gift from some folks I still couldn’t find a way to justify the extra trip. So, I’m setting some of that at aside and plan to go in November  for the Thanksgiving holiday. Airline tickets round trip from SEA to PHX are less expensive than a multi-city trip from the Northeast, or even one way stops in between with several different airlines.  Yes, I could take a bus or train, but a train is, even more, money blah, blah, blah. I choose to fly.

Anyway, I suppose I should start with my back story.
The question is how far back do I want to go, and how much of it should I share?

I guess 2005 is the year everything shattered.  Yes, that was a shattering year, as well as the following five years till about 2010.  Those years were so full of tragedies and triumphs that I still don’t know where to begin. My memory is so foggy. I may even have to do research to bring back some of what happened.
In quick synopsis:
My eldest graduated high school and moved out. Thanks be to God He has always been independent yet, always a love bug, I am very proud of both my children. They are strong individuals. They are my heroes. My youngest had a psychotic break with reality and as a result, there were accusations, an unprecedented trial, a year on house arrest a lot of hospital visits and I’m pretty sure we are all still in therapy. My husband of 21-years became ill with an inoperable tumor and ended up on medical leave, not long afterward I lost my marriage, went bankrupt, lost my house, my dignity, my job (got laid off – being laid off is like being punished for doing nothing wrong.), I got divorced, I left my church, and to top it off I ended up having triple bypass surgery on my x-husband’s birthday. That was all between ’05 and ’07. Today, I’m stronger than ever on the inside.

Okay, sorry folks, I just realized, I’m not ready to share all that yet. I have no idea where to begin.  In fact, I may have to do that under a pseudonym, and after I take some writing courses in the PNW.

It’s been over ten years and I’ve “recovered”,  whatever that means.  I realize that some of my greatest challenges are ahead.  That is I think I’m finally ready to move on and begin again. I’m ready for the second half. I want to make the very best of it.  What the future holds I have no clue. However, I know that through the Spirit of the living God within me, I can, and I will continue to grow and overcome! I know I need to be on my own, and that I would like to get off living solely on SSDI as it keeps me well below the poverty level.

Some glorious experiences are ahead of me, and I think that is a big enough challenge for now.I’m at a really strange place in my life, researching  religions and questioning a lot of things. I need a whole lot more than just the usual pat answers.

Here is a message from a Church for people who are not into “Church”
Click to go here: The Meeting House  or for even more info, here:   Official Youtube Channel – The Meeting House  They meet in a movie theater, and other rented spaces on Sunday and then on another day of the week  in smaller groups in their homes. I am in love with the idea and will be searching for a place like this when I get to Seattle, or perhaps I shall just being with Sun Gazing and meditation on  Holy Writ.
PEACE & GRACE to you,
BIG LOVE  ~lil gini

Strange Daze . . .

You’re just a sweet little  zebra grazing in the grass ( doe-eyed), perhaps you’ve bent down and are getting a cool sip of water when  from out of nowhere, suddenly there it is,  a giant tiger  pounces on your back and bite you in the jugular, that’s it you’ve been AMBUSHED! missing-the-herd

A Great Escape – Zebra Escapes Lion

Yeah, that was a close one!

 

 

There you are, you thought you’d been guarding your thoughts and just like that BANG! it’s fight or flight time!

What are you going to do ?

Some days are just like that, everything is seemingly perfect, or perfect as they can be, your thankful, happy and smiling and doing your thing, and BAM! some bad news comes along and smacks you right in the jaw, makes you wobble. Maybe you’re a little nauseated, or really stunned.  Immediately every negative scenario starts coming at you like a flood, whoosh, whoosh . . . What are you going to do ?

Here is a small example of how what you think about can make you sick:

It just so happens that this morning was one of “those mornings”. Started at early 4:50am, when I noticed my son had left a message on my cell phone. First thing I think uh, oh, he never does this so early in the morning.

This is gonna be something big.    Is he hurt?

Is his friend calling me on his phone to tell me something happened?

Is he in jail? Did one of his friends get hurt? die? go to jail? Hey, you never know . . .

I’m here in Maine, and he is out in Washington State. My guts began to gurgle and squirm and I got a giant lump just under my larynx.  By the time I dialed my voice mail to listen to what was going on I thought I might vomit. Deep breaths take deep breaths, Gin.

Thankfully, it was one of those problems where it is just best to practice non-interference – PHEW –  Thank You, God !!  Without going into any detail, the kid was pretty shook up (I say kid – he will be 30 this year). But, it turned out, that really, he just needed a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen to help him process what was happening.

I find it extremely interesting that the day before I had emailed him this little clip of advice:

I do not know anything about your relationship with xxxxxx, other than it seems you are very happy together. I’d like to always keep it that way.
That being said, here is some really good advice I read today (of course it goes both ways):

It is well to remember that no two human beings ever lived beneath the same roof without clashes of temperament, periods of hurts, and strain. Never display the unhappy side of your marriage/relationship to your friends, or anyone else.

Keep your quarrels to yourself (which he did a very good job of by the way), unless you are sharing with an objective counselor (one of which I am not ? ).  Refrain from criticism and condemnation of your partner.

NEVER harbor hurts, always forgive one another or that bitterness will take root and break you apart.  Bitterness is like cancer that starts slow but can take over and if you don’t catch it in the beginning it will take over and eat you alive.

You don’t have to be always together, always the same, or even agree, to live in harmony. You can heal any problem through proper application in your own mind, using empathy and forgiveness, by forgetting/letting go of offenses. Always treasure and cultivate those good and lovely qualities that brought you together. May you have a long, beautiful loving relationship. Love you!

I’m so proud to call him my son. Not only is he intelligent, he’s got wisdom beyond his years and heart of gold, and I’m pretty sure he’s in love, genuine, real loyal love.

Grounding, meditation,  deep breathing,  and being thankful, these are just a few things we can do to heal from those scary moments.  I’m told that when you realize who you really are (in Christ) that nothing or no thing will be impossible.  I’m working on that one 🙂

Oh, this made me feel a little better too 🙂
Pooh & Tigger   Pooh logic always helps when you’re a little down.

What helps you to remember? or to escape those devilish attacks of the enemy that take you by surprise?  Please, do share.   Remember – We’re all in this together!

BIG LOVE lil’ gini

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring

Into every life some rain must fall – H.W.Longfellow put it this way –

The Rainy Day

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

________________________________

40 Days and 40 Nights . . .

When bad news comes to you in any form, often we let it bring us down, time just drags on and on, and we get so far down that we forget the sun really is still shining.

650x260xrainydayswallpapercollectionseriesone00.png.pagespeed

Here is a great sermon (I think it’s great) from one of my favorite Theologians, author, and teacher Greg Boyd. Called Above the Clouds Feb. 2012

Don’t worry luv the sun will be back soon.
.  .  . I walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
just singin’
singin’ in the rain !

BIG LOVE  lil’ gini

† Religion is Dead † to Me

WHAT ? ? ?
. . . My God, My God why have you forsaken me? . . .

science_religion

What’s today?

I’ve been so wrapped up in learning and growing and waiting that sometimes I forget what day it is.   I believe it is a glorious thing to lose track of time.  I’m planning on doing it more and more often.   Don’t you just love to lose yourself in, well,  the beautiful thing is you get to fill in that blank for yourself, and when you do, life will be a joy, more often than it is not. A never ending exciting adventure that will continue to improve.

A  TRUE  HOLY  WOW!

What do you love to do the most ? I finally found out that I love to contemplate and share. Therefore, I’ve chosen to start this blog on purpose.

GOD IS THE AUTHOR OF LIFE –   TRUE RELIGION PRACTICES LOVE
I can’t tell you anything you don’t already know and vice verse.
Let’s agree, or agree to disagree without killing each other, shall we?  We choose what to believe and how we will live.  That being stated, if you are interested, I will share my knowledge and experience as best I can, for this is my calling. I am impelled to share.

I believe we could be living in heaven on earth and yet, instead of loving we judge and attempt to rule thereby playing God.   This is what the Bible call the fall of man.

God, we lust, fight, kill, condemn all while arguing over who is God. What a foolish waste of Time!  when all the while, not realizing we were created to create with God and to be in atonement. Ye are gods, God is within each and every one of us.  This realization is beyond beautiful, indescribable, joy unspeakable and full of GLORY !

I am doing my very best to find all my life, all my worth from CHRIST in me, the hope of glory.  Christ is the infinite creative power within.

IMAGINE & REALIZE

38e66955043361-560965f0749c2GOD IS SPIRIT – GOD IS ONE – I AM – SINGULAR –

The energy that makes up everything – the power of life and death.  The Spirit is Life, this world is a world of Death.
There is a  very personal force that lives within you.

The answer is within you, the kingdom is within, the truth is within, it’s all within- the lie, the delusion is that your salvation is somewhere out there !  Salvation is within, it’s not in a label, or magic, or money, or gold, it is in Spirit and Reality, in You, in Me, Within.  The world is passing away But whoever does the will of God lives forever.
There is only ONE cause of life.  Let God be true and every Man a LIAR  !!
So simple, and profound is this that to the majority of people can not see it. How many actually take the time to seek out, to ponder, to feed every day on the manna of the word of God ? I have no idea, but I know that the more I do this the more complete I am. I am made whole and have everything I need for life in seeking after the truth that is in me. Not in books, although books can be used to guide us so long as they point to the truth within, which, for me, is Christ in me. When I commune with Christ nothing can hurt me, no, nothing, not by any means. Christ is  The power of God and the wisdom of God
page-divider-transparent-gold-20816

0516796a9b9034987060e340c63e9470893503-wm

GOD IS ONE

IMAGINE !
Jesus came to show us that we too can say:  I am in my Father and my Father is in me.
We are ONE, and just like Jesus you can die and rise again. For the Spirit of the living God has been poured out on all flesh.

IMAGINE !

You rule the world God gives you everlasting life through the SPIRIT. That is you are a KING / QUEEN of your realm – YOUR MIND and BODY are your realm of existence, your spirit is given you by your heavenly Father, your creator. No one will ever have the same experience that you do. No One, you are the only one. The ever expanding God robes himself in flesh (thereby limiting himself), humbling himself and yet with God nothing is impossible.

– BELIEVE – GOD IS ALL IN ALL – The beginning and the end, the first and the last God.
God is in the Universe, the air, the earth, the sea, all that is in them, you and me. God is in you and in me and outside of you and outside of me and yet we can not see God with our eyes, no, we see God through our eyes. There is a big difference. In the depth of our being, we are one with God for the Father is in Jesus,  Jesus is in us, and we are one with the all in all, and yet we are unique, there is no one like you, no one like me. It’s extremely simple and profound, it blows my mind – YES!!  God is Spirit, intangible and yet everything you look at is a reflection of God even our reflection. Whenever I see that new born baby, I’m looking at the face of God!  Have you found the child in you?  If you can not answer that then keep looking, never stop looking until know, and you will know beyond all doubt and no one will be able to talk you out of it, nothing shall by any means hurt you again.

We have an external witness and an internal witness, Hmmmm, two witnesses, interesting, there is something to that for sure.

Why is that so hard for us to accept? God humbled himself, came down into the world, robed in a garment. Flesh and blood is that garment (Jesus=God personified), a precious beautiful garment is your body. God, through Jesus, shows us how. When you real-ize this you will be “born again”, you will be resurrected and begin the ascension, and grow upward from the inside out, leaving behind all the base and evil things, death will never touch you again, you are ever expanding life in Christ,  Lord of Lords.    What great news!!

We get to start fresh every day and we can be true to ourselves while we are learning and moving closer to our purpose for being.

What do you love the most?
The best advice we can give each other is, do what you love. Let everything be done out of love.   You’ve heard it all your life, but, are you listening?
Do what you love and you’ll love what you do. Find your passion.

Let Your Light So Shine !

BIG LOVE lil’ gini