Soundtrack (listening to):
Lisa Lobe – Stay
A. Morrisette – Ironic
4 non-blondes – What’s up?
Nelly Furtado – I’m Like a Bird
The following is an open letter and a personal letter to my loved ones, friends, both past present, and future.
There is so very much I would like to say that this could be a Tolstoy novel. You know, War and Peace? I will try my best to condense what is currently in my heart.
Every person born into this world is filled with both good and evil, love and hate, right and wrong on the inside all who have reached the age of accountability are aware of this.
Blame never solves anything, oh, it may make us feel better for the moment but ultimately it doesn’t help anything. Forgiveness, and personal responsibility followed by choice, and action do make for change. I know this, and I am doing my best to put it into practice.
Inside there is everything we need to be complete, yet on the outside, we can only work with what we have at hand and imagine for the better.
That being said, I am truly sorrowful today. I hate to be in and to see you in misery. I am sorry. My heart and head hurt, because I hurt you, even if it was unintentional. I never want to hurt another. You are precious and I’d give you the world were it mine.
I would like you to understand that It is never my intention to hurt, insult, belittle or take advantage of you. I mean no harm. I do give all, I am open to you and here for you with all that is within me. What I can not do is choose for you. Choice, even down to every thought we think is ours alone to make. My sky is torn today, my heart aches. I am truly sorry for your pain and anger. I care deeply. If I could give you only and all the goodness and graceful thoughts that exist I would certainly do so. With gladness, I would hold you in safe keeping for eternity.
How? tell me please, how do I show my appreciations for you allowing me to be a part of your life? How can I communicate to you that I love you? I care and will do anything for you, I give to you all that I am without expecting anything in return if you would only ask (A. ask, S. seek, K. knock). All you need to do is ask. I am grateful, though I may/can not know how to show it to you. It is up to you to show me how I can do that. All you need to do is ask.
If I complain about, take advantage of, or inconvenience you please forgive me. I am still human and struggle with all of the same feelings and thoughts that every person alive on this earth does. I am doing the best I can given what I have at hand, whether or not anyone acknowledges it, or thinks otherwise. If it is your desire, I would go dirty, cold and hungry before I use you unjustly. Believe that you may call on me anytime and with all I have and all I am I will comfort you, I will give all for you. I am dignified. I am humbled by you. I am all that I am and I would give all for you if you ask me to.
Need clarity of intention? Ask
Need money? Ask
Need companionship? Ask
Need wisdom? Ask
Need Truth? Need an ear, arm, shoulder?
Wake me up anytime, day or night and I will sit with you. I will not leave you alone unless; unless that is your desire.
All I have is yours if you will seek me out. If I don’t have the thing, the wisdom or the answer you are looking for I will help in your search the best way I know how.
It is ALL up to you. Choose as you will. Choose to be angry? you are allowed to be angry. Go for it. Choose to be disheartened, or wholehearted, choose hate, choose murder if you so desire, go ahead and cut me off, kill me. Although, I pray that you will choose life, and love, mercy and grace, peace and truth, but whatever your choice I will not condemn you and I will not abandon you, for you have had enough of that and you do enough of that for yourself.
I give myself to you. Everything I have is yours all you need to do is ask.
This ONE thing I ask of you. Please, if you can find it in your heart forgive. Forgive me, forgive yourself, and know that I AM for you. I am not against you. If I could choose friendship, loyalty, laughter, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, understanding, riches, fame goodness, truth and every good thing for you I most certainly would, and do.
But those choices are not mine to make for you, I can not be responsible for your thoughts, feelings, or actions.Only you and I can make that choice.
Every waking moment, until the time we are taken from this earth we choose.
I am aware, I am here. You matter to me and I love you.
PS- the impetus for this post was most disturbing, and painful for me personally, no buts about it, it’s all true.
PSS – I’m still searching for a good proofreader. Want to help?